“You know, the one thing I can't figure out are these girls real smart or real real lucky?”
“Don't matter. Brains'll only get you so far and luck always runs out.”
- Det. Slocumbe & Max in “Thelma & Louise”
As I get older, I find myself to be a Black/African/Christian-American Autistic lady variant of former Det. Jay C. Landsman, Det. John Munch and US/British Royals Marine Sgt. Brad Colbert.[1] I find myself a loner, hermit, and not liking people in general very much. I find myself quite hesitant to type these words. Between the micro-/macro-aggressions related to my race, gender and disability, being in my late 30s, frequent stretches of unemployment, aging parents and a niece to help look after, and being a “career” student, hustling (legally!) on little money, I am also observing myself to be bitter, sarcastic, mean, crabby, and, to a certain point, hateful – at home, of course! Kind and funny in the street, cross – and sometimes, even hateful in the house! Yes, I used the actual “H”-word. A “cranky Cathy,” if you will. But, hey, hatred and (when used correctly!) lets you know when something is amiss.
I find myself resentful to the high Heavens to being asked to have “understanding” and “compassion” for people who are different from me (i.e. White, and/or male) who behave in an inappropriate and disrespectful, and sometimes, dangerous manner, whereas, had I did the exact same actions, I would be (severely) punished (and should be!). A great deal of people would have a hard time believing that I am autistic. For Black people, especially Black women, they only believe two things: you are on drugs (esp. “crack” cocaine), or you are HIV-positive. Only White people, especially boys/men, are believed to be autistic, hence, the earlier diagnoses, and the ability for them to obtain help quicker in their lives than Black girls/women. Thankfully, I was diagnosed at nearly two years old. My sister and I were discussing a recent case of a White disabled male athlete, Oscar Pistorius who (allegedly) killed his girlfriend. I said to her:
“Oh, my God, if that had been me, they would not have cared that I’m autistic! They would have been like, ‘Send that n****er b***h to jail!’”
We laughed and exchanged high-fives, knowing full well that it would have been true.
[1] I hope I am not coming across as anti-White/man/Semitic, but I noticed the following: 1) They are all White Jewish men; 2) Two of the aforementioned men are in the military/law enforcement, & one is a fictional character portrayed by an entertainer, Richard Jay Belzer, who shares the name Jay, only it is his middle name, and also, is the first name of Jay C. Landsman. Yes, we’re all human…but it’s something I just noticed.
I find myself resentful to the high Heavens to being asked to have “understanding” and “compassion” for people who are different from me (i.e. White, and/or male) who behave in an inappropriate and disrespectful, and sometimes, dangerous manner, whereas, had I did the exact same actions, I would be (severely) punished (and should be!). A great deal of people would have a hard time believing that I am autistic. For Black people, especially Black women, they only believe two things: you are on drugs (esp. “crack” cocaine), or you are HIV-positive. Only White people, especially boys/men, are believed to be autistic, hence, the earlier diagnoses, and the ability for them to obtain help quicker in their lives than Black girls/women. Thankfully, I was diagnosed at nearly two years old. My sister and I were discussing a recent case of a White disabled male athlete, Oscar Pistorius who (allegedly) killed his girlfriend. I said to her:
“Oh, my God, if that had been me, they would not have cared that I’m autistic! They would have been like, ‘Send that n****er b***h to jail!’”
We laughed and exchanged high-fives, knowing full well that it would have been true.
[1] I hope I am not coming across as anti-White/man/Semitic, but I noticed the following: 1) They are all White Jewish men; 2) Two of the aforementioned men are in the military/law enforcement, & one is a fictional character portrayed by an entertainer, Richard Jay Belzer, who shares the name Jay, only it is his middle name, and also, is the first name of Jay C. Landsman. Yes, we’re all human…but it’s something I just noticed.
I was raised in the East Coast/Mid-Atlantic area, near Washington, D.C. I am the youngest girl in a big, Nigerian family. We were raised to be respectful of other people as human beings, and to be aware of what and how our society views and values us simultaneously. Going to school, I grew up around different types of people. I was first in special education classes from a school focused on disabled children to being mainstreamed in a regular school once I gained the skill to speak, read and write. If it were possible to rewind the time in my life, I would have had counseling to deal with the consequences of being an autistic person – not just as a child, but as a growing teenager, and an adult. I/we was/were in denial about it because I was no longer mute. However, other problems came along, such as me having certain obsessions over television shows and movies, and music. I also spoke to myself as well. My family was fearful that I would be sent to a mental institution. There was a great deal of culture shock, especially junior high and high school. Fellow students would be very disrespectful towards me, and faculty would allow it to happen. When I fended for myself in these situations, I would be punished. I wish they also had counseling to help me and my family deal with that situation. I also could have used more discussions about being a woman, in combination with being Black and autistic.
Also, some people tell me that I am gifted and smart, and a good writer. A couple of people tell me that I would be a good artist as well. As much as I know of my talents, skills, and education, there is the theory, fantasy, and the actual practice. While I can do without a lot of people in my life, dealing with the lack of (good) employment is quite hard to deal with. Either it is me, the co-workers and supervisors I dealt with, or both. And even my mother did not want me to do that job! In my last job, I had a job coach who was not too thrilled with the job she had. Look, I was not thrilled with working in the backroom sorting out stuff to sell, either, but…money is money. She wanted to be a beautician. While I respected that, she really did not want to deal with the ‘r****ds’. She could barely deal with me as a human being. And, I had another job coach who was just as bad before that! What got me fired was that, I was joking with an incoming co-worker – who then thought I was coming on to him in a personal/sexual manner! No joke! I finally had it with working with people, with the exception of volunteer work, which is more fun. I don’t have to worry about being fired. If I knew all of this stuff beforehand, and could rewind my life, I would have also gone to school for transcription work, so I could have worked alone! But through all the mediocre jobs I have worked in my life, I learned that I am a team player. Now, I just want to work with a good team for me. Even if I have to work with just a few people.
And that, I find, is the long-winding, arduous, tedious road to happiness, positivity and peace for me. Because I will not live until eighty-or-ninety-years old without all that awareness. Because at some points, it’s comedy or a jail sentence! And I am not trying to go to jail, so…
Sources:
Moving up the ranks as a family
http://articles.baltimoresun.com/2004-03-19/news/0403190265_1_landsman-homicide-unit-police-department
March 19, 2004 Joe Nawrozki, Baltimore Sun Staff
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Belzer
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jay_Landsman
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brad_Colbert
About the Author: "Anne Ade" can be found on Twitter at @DetTerriStivers
Also, some people tell me that I am gifted and smart, and a good writer. A couple of people tell me that I would be a good artist as well. As much as I know of my talents, skills, and education, there is the theory, fantasy, and the actual practice. While I can do without a lot of people in my life, dealing with the lack of (good) employment is quite hard to deal with. Either it is me, the co-workers and supervisors I dealt with, or both. And even my mother did not want me to do that job! In my last job, I had a job coach who was not too thrilled with the job she had. Look, I was not thrilled with working in the backroom sorting out stuff to sell, either, but…money is money. She wanted to be a beautician. While I respected that, she really did not want to deal with the ‘r****ds’. She could barely deal with me as a human being. And, I had another job coach who was just as bad before that! What got me fired was that, I was joking with an incoming co-worker – who then thought I was coming on to him in a personal/sexual manner! No joke! I finally had it with working with people, with the exception of volunteer work, which is more fun. I don’t have to worry about being fired. If I knew all of this stuff beforehand, and could rewind my life, I would have also gone to school for transcription work, so I could have worked alone! But through all the mediocre jobs I have worked in my life, I learned that I am a team player. Now, I just want to work with a good team for me. Even if I have to work with just a few people.
And that, I find, is the long-winding, arduous, tedious road to happiness, positivity and peace for me. Because I will not live until eighty-or-ninety-years old without all that awareness. Because at some points, it’s comedy or a jail sentence! And I am not trying to go to jail, so…
Sources:
Moving up the ranks as a family
http://articles.baltimoresun.com/2004-03-19/news/0403190265_1_landsman-homicide-unit-police-department
March 19, 2004 Joe Nawrozki, Baltimore Sun Staff
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richard_Belzer
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jay_Landsman
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brad_Colbert
About the Author: "Anne Ade" can be found on Twitter at @DetTerriStivers
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